Saturday, January 08, 2005

Back from Hell (1993)

Best line:
Fr. Aaron [to devil-worshipping assassin]: "I've got a message for you. Tell Satan to kiss my blacks ass!" [shoots guy in chest with shotgun].

You might have seen this film under its alternate title, Demon Apocalypse. But probably not. The short story goes something like this: wannabe actor (Larry DuBois) sells his soul to Satan, welshes on the terms of the deal, and is pursued by the wrath of Hell in retribution. Simple, right? WRONG! The very same week that the forces of darkness are trying to avenge this particular case of diabolical cold feet, Satan himself is planning the end times battle royale to take over all of earth. It's like feuding with your girlfriend, landlord, local law enforcement, and atomic terrorists all in the same week.

Jack (DuBois) is not alone, though. His childhood friend Aaron (Shawn Scarbrough), now a priest, starts the movie on his way to fulfill Jack's mysterious request to confess. Upon arriving at an abandoned farm building on the outskirts of Ann Arbor, Michigan, Father Aaron is subjected to perhaps the most horrifying, spectacle that the infernal fires could create: stilted, flat dialogue from the sulfurous pits of lameness itself. Jack describes direct contact with the devil, human sacrifice, multiple murders and the looming apocalypse with less energy and emotion than the average person uses ordering a drink. On the cinematic vice front, however, he does smoke a couple of cigarettes and take swig from a plastic half gallon bottle of cheap vodka, so at least MADD and the American Legacy Foundation think the movie is truly evil.

After sleep-walking through the backstory and shooting a couple of possessed cops, Jack and Father Aaron decide that cooling their heels in a building full of potentially reanimated corpses is not the best plan of action, especially when evil is making a play for control of the planet. They jump into the father's sensible ride and head out through the Michigan countryside.

Along the way, Father Aaron decides to stop at his aunt's house to make sure she hasn't fallen victim to the burgeoning minions of evil in the neighborhood. Upon arriving, they confront a heavy-set weirdo wearing a tight-fitting orange t-shirt (who I swear is an uncredited Horatio Sanz), subdue him with heavy objects and poorly-knotting rope, and settle in to await the return of the missing aunt.

While Jack is occupied with raiding the fridge for frozen microwave appetizers and a stray can of Coors banquet beer, Father Aaron is seeking inspiration from the Bible on his aunt's living room table. Leafing through, his face is suddenly palmed by a black-nailed demon hand thrust straight out of the pages of the Bible itself! He wrestles with the hand, still sticking out of the holy pages, blundering back and forth across the room. Keeping its metaphorical eyes on the prize, the demon hand works its way down from his face to his neck, then saucily to his crotch. The Father grimaces in agony as the taloned claw twists his junk all out of priestly shape. Aaron briefly considers a nearby knife as a weapon, but wisely reconsidering chooses a wooden meat tenderizing mallet instead. Wisely because, just like in a Tom & Jerry cartoon, the hand lets go and falls away just as he brings down the mallet on his midsection. Bastard devils! Cut to the Father still grimacing, as he and Jack bond over pilfered booze while they watch the accursed book burn in the fireplace.

There's no rest for the contractually wicked, however, so our star-crossed duo is soon back on the road, making their way to the exact location where Jack signed his original contract...in blood. They soon pull up and being walking through an open field to the special spot. Upon arriving they discover a Satanic altar bristling with deadly weapons and realize: It's on. What follows is a disjointed series of attacks by anonymous assailants clad in black clothes and face masks, each bearing a different weapon, each repelled by Jack (knife) and Father Aaron (chainsaw) in turn. Severed limbs, spilled guts and a seemingly endless stream of squirting blood flash across the screen in an exquisitely unconvincing parade of gore. Somehow the flow of blood always seems to hit them directly in the eyes; these guys get more bodily fluid sprayed in their faces than a dozen porno actresses.

Having dispatched the oddly ninja-like foot soldiers of darkness, our heroes repair to their original destination and find Jack's old friend Azzagras, the High Priest of Satan (Matt Hundley) standing in the doorway of yet another dilapidated farm building. He's here to fill Jack in on current events and give him a little career counseling relevant to the impending new Luciferian world. Of course we all know how superstitious High Priests of Satan can be, so he demands that Father Aaron skeddadle while the big boys talk among themselves. Having been unceremoniously dismissed, a suddenly weary Father Aaron wanders around the back of the building and slumps against the wall for a quick nap.

The good father falls into a fitful sleep, conjuring up disturbing dreams of negative exposure stock footage. Imagine you're having the same dream: It seems you're wandering through the woods, except the sky is black and the trees are white! Could this be a vision of an evil new world, or a simple matter of checking the wrong box on the film lab order form? With a budget as low as this one, either could be equally terrifying.

Jerked out of sleep by his nightmares, Father Aaron begins to wander away from the building, looking for...something. He soon reaches a small bridge over a swift-slowing muddy river. As he gazes into its swirling eddies, his reverie is shattered by yet another ninja/devil minion. They battle, they wrestle. Father Aaron spots a conveniently placed shotgun at the end of the bridge, only to get his calf sliced into by his assailant's machete. Limping now, he finally makes it and levels the pump action into place, uttering the line above. Ka-blammie. Relieved at his triumph, the Father limps back to the middle of the bridge where the dying attacker leans precariously against the railing. He reaches out and pulls off bad guy's hood only to reveal...I'll let you guess (Hint: there are only two main characters in this movie, and Father Aaron is not looking at his own face). Fin.

Strangely, neither of the two leads seems to have done any other film work, before or after. I suppose that someone with any experience whatsoever would had to have been better than these guys, while once you've been in a movie this bad, there's no point in trying to top it. Writer/director/"Maniac with Ax" Matt Jaissle, however, did go on to such projects as 1997's The Necro Files, for which he served as producer, director, editor, cinematographer, composer, special effects supervisor, and the voice of Frank the police dispatcher. In case you're wondering what that one was about, let's just note that the working title was Psycho Zombie Love Butcher.

Back from Hell may have been an amateurish bore festooned with cow intestines, but at least it stayed true to its Michigan setting: a copy of the Detroit News with a fake headline and an empty can of Faygo orange soda are shown in the opening scene sequence. Recommended to residents of 8 Mile, Juggalos, and Catholic priests who have discovered that spiritual power, too, can come from the barrel of a gun.

7 Comments:

Blogger alfredo847will said...

damn good blog, check out mine http://juicyfruiter.blogspot.com, comments always welcome!

August 21, 2005 at 4:20 AM  
Blogger joesmith3941 said...

Make no mistake: Our mission at Tip Top Equities is to sift through the thousands of underperforming companies out there to find the golden needle in the haystack. A stock worthy of your investment. A stock with the potential for big returns. More often than not, the stocks we profile show a significant increase in stock price, sometimes in days, not months or years. We have come across what we feel is one of those rare deals that the public has not heard about yet. Read on to find out more.

Nano Superlattice Technology Inc. (OTCBB Symbol: NSLT) is a nanotechnology company engaged in the coating of tools and components with nano structured PVD coatings for high-tech industries.

Nano utilizes Arc Bond Sputtering and Superlattice technology to apply multi-layers of super-hard elemental coatings on an array of precision products to achieve a variety of physical properties. The application of the coating on industrial products is designed to change their physical properties, improving a product's durability, resistance, chemical and physical characteristics as well as performance. Nano's super-hard alloy coating materials were especially developed for printed circuit board drills in response to special market requirements

The cutting of circuit boards causes severe wear on the cutting edge of drills and routers. With the increased miniaturization of personal electronics devices the dimensions of holes and cut aways are currently less than 0.2 mm. Nano coats tools with an ultra thin coating (only a few nanometers in thickness) of nitrides which can have a hardness of up to half that of diamond. This has proven to increase tool life by almost ten times. Nano plans to continue research and development into these techniques due to the vast application range for this type of nanotechnology

We believe that Nano is a company on the move. With today�s steady move towards miniaturization we feel that Nano is a company with the right product at the right time. It is our opinion that an investment in Nano will produce great returns for our readers.

Online Stock trading, in the New York Stock Exchange, and Toronto Stock Exchange, or any other stock market requires many hours of stock research. Always consult a stock broker for stock prices of penny stocks, and always seek proper free stock advice, as well as read a stock chart. This is not encouragement to buy stock, but merely a possible hot stock pick. Get a live stock market quote, before making a stock investment or participating in the stock market game or buying or selling a stock option.

December 23, 2005 at 8:11 PM  
Blogger travisdenton9132 said...

I read over your blog, and i found it inquisitive, you may find My Blog interesting. My blog is just about my day to day life, as a park ranger. So please Click Here To Read My Blog

December 29, 2005 at 4:47 AM  
Blogger ninest123 said...

oakley sunglasses, louboutin outlet, jordan shoes, nike free, prada outlet, tiffany and co, gucci outlet, prada handbags, nike air max, louis vuitton, louboutin pas cher, cheap oakley sunglasses, longchamp outlet, louis vuitton outlet, ugg boots, replica watches, ray ban sunglasses, oakley sunglasses, michael kors, uggs on sale, chanel handbags, longchamp pas cher, louis vuitton, longchamp, ray ban sunglasses, nike air max, replica watches, longchamp outlet, nike outlet, sac longchamp, nike roshe run, polo ralph lauren outlet, kate spade outlet, tiffany jewelry, christian louboutin outlet, oakley sunglasses, ugg boots, polo ralph lauren outlet, air jordan pas cher, air max, ray ban sunglasses, ralph lauren pas cher, louboutin, louis vuitton outlet, louboutin shoes, oakley sunglasses, tory burch outlet, nike free, louis vuitton, burberry

April 12, 2016 at 9:37 PM  
Blogger ninest123 said...

ralph lauren uk, timberland, abercrombie and fitch, ugg boots, michael kors, vanessa bruno, michael kors, ray ban uk, lululemon, air force, replica handbags, ray ban pas cher, michael kors outlet, nike free run uk, coach purses, mulberry, ugg boots, coach outlet, tn pas cher, michael kors, new balance pas cher, nike roshe, true religion jeans, nike air max, north face, burberry outlet online, lacoste pas cher, michael kors outlet, burberry, nike air max, coach outlet, true religion jeans, kate spade handbags, michael kors outlet, nike blazer, true religion outlet, nike air max, michael kors outlet, hollister, converse pas cher, vans pas cher, hermes, north face, michael kors, oakley pas cher, michael kors outlet, hogan, true religion jeans, hollister pas cher, sac guess

April 12, 2016 at 9:40 PM  
Blogger ninest123 said...

nike huarache, soccer shoes, valentino shoes, iphone 6s cases, ferragamo shoes, insanity workout, iphone 5s cases, iphone 6 plus cases, mont blanc, giuseppe zanotti, north face outlet, p90x workout, herve leger, hollister, louboutin, hollister, nike air max, iphone 6 cases, longchamp, asics running shoes, vans shoes, lululemon, nike trainers, bottega veneta, soccer jerseys, nfl jerseys, ghd, oakley, north face outlet, babyliss, iphone 6s plus cases, new balance, jimmy choo shoes, timberland boots, birkin bag, abercrombie and fitch, celine handbags, reebok shoes, hollister, s5 cases, mcm handbags, iphone cases, instyler, beats by dre, wedding dresses, baseball bats, nike air max, mac cosmetics, ralph lauren, ipad cases, chi flat iron, nike roshe

April 12, 2016 at 9:42 PM  
Blogger ninest123 said...

ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, pandora charms, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, converse outlet, hollister, barbour jackets, moncler, gucci, moncler, canada goose uk, wedding dresses, moncler, moncler outlet, converse, links of london, marc jacobs, swarovski crystal, canada goose, pandora jewelry, juicy couture outlet, ugg boots uk, barbour, ray ban, replica watches, toms shoes, louis vuitton, pandora jewelry, canada goose outlet, louis vuitton, vans, canada goose, canada goose, moncler, karen millen, montre pas cher, thomas sabo, bottes ugg, ugg pas cher, sac louis vuitton pas cher, louis vuitton, doudoune canada goose, swarovski, lancel, moncler, moncler, pandora charms, supra shoes, canada goose, juicy couture outlet, moncler, canada goose outlet, louis vuitton, coach outlet

April 12, 2016 at 9:44 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home